18 Months Old

Silas,
  Today you are 18 months old. I can hardly wrap my mind around it! These have been the fastest 18 months (with some of the longest nights) of my life. Looking back and seeing how much you have changed, grown and learned is amazing.
  You rarely walk, you prefer to run, pretty much everywhere. You love tractors, animals, Thomas the train and your Papa (my dad). You are starting to talk more and more, but a lot of  "words" sound the same. A few of your favorite words are: car, truck, tractor, woof, dada, llama, Thomas, lovey, Papa, vroom, Elmo, Pooh, Tigger, bath and milk. Mommy usually knows what you are trying to say, but other people have to guess. You LOVE to read books. We probably read at least 10 books a day. Good Night Good Night Construction Site and Steam Train Dream Train are mandatory at night before bed. Whenever we go to any store you say hi and smile at nearly everyone. You really know how to make people smile. Everywhere we go, people tell me how cute you are, so I know it's not just me who thinks you are adorable! You are the sweetest little man, when you want to be. But lately when I ask for a kiss you hide your face, you little stinker! You recently figured out how to dump water on your head at bathtime and you think it's the funniest thing ever! Your belly laugh is hilarious-it makes everyone around laugh too. You are a ham - and you never pass up the opportunity to be the center of attention.
  You are still a mommy's boy, and I hope that never changes. I love your snuggles, the rare kisses, and when you pat my back. It's precious. I am so enjoying this stage of your life. You are starting to listen to directions and your facial expressions are absolutely precious. A lot of our friends are on babies #2 and 3, but I am in no hurry to add to our family. I want to get every bit of love out of this stage that I can, because it's going by so quickly. Sometimes, especially lately, I wish I could find a pause button.
  I literally love you more than life itself and I can't remember what life was like without you. I love every minute of time I get to spend with you little man - even the at least once daily melt down that you have. I love you my baby boy. I can't wait to watch you grow and learn more every day. You are my world little man.

Love,
Mommy

I asked him to pick up his toys. Apparently tractors sleep on the table.

He is constantly "reading" books :)

Such a little cutie!

Ramblings

I don't promise any of this is going to make sense. It just needs to come out and this is where I can let it out.

I am empty. Completely empty. I don't even remember the last time I felt this...empty. I feel like I have nothing to give to anyone that would be of any benefit. People come to me all the time. I'm an easy person to talk to and I'm fine with that. I'm more than fine with that. Usually it makes me feel like I have a purpose. I can help friends through crap. I'm supportive. I listen well. I keep secrets when they need to be kept. I like to think that sometimes I even have some good advice for the situation. But today, today I feel useless. Like a whole bunch of nothing. My son wouldn't nap, I got frustrated. Instead of comforting him, I just lost it. Which proved helpful...both of us crying does a lot of good.

I have a friend that I am seriously frustrated with. I don't know how much more of myself I can give, but it doesn't seem like enough. I feel guilty about it, but I'm mad about it too. I'm doing what I know how to do, and it's not enough. That hurts. A lot.

I just want an escape. Even if its just for a day. I want to get away. Not worry about anyone or anything except what makes me happy. But I'm married. I am a mother. I never stop thinking about others, and usually before myself. I'm so over this feeling of inadequacy. All is does is bring me down and make me think I can't do anything, so why even try. Ugh...

Happy Birthday Baby Boy

Si,
 I simply cannot believe I have gotten the privilege of being your mommy for a whole year already! I don't know where the time has gone! Last year I was looking fo the fast forward button for pretty much all of May, now I am frantically searching for pause. I cannot even express how amazing it has been watching you discover the world and learn new things every day. You are way to smart for your own good and it generally takes you minutes to figure out something new.

You love to bounce. You bounce constantly. Whether you are being held, sitting, or standing.

If you do not have your lovey, you cannot fall asleep. And it is adorable. You reach for it as soon as we lay you in your crib.

You are not a snuggler, but every time you wake up, I get about 5 minutes of cuddles that melt my heart every single time.

You love being outside. You will stand by the sliding glass door for over an hour just looking outside.

You love your stroller. When we go for walks, you freeze. You do not move at all! It is so goofy!

You love swinging. We tried it for the first time a week ago and you fell asleep in it. This is on our list of things to buy for you this summer :)

You are a pro at drinking out of your sippy and you prefer water over formula or milk (so much like your mama)

Your laugh is hilarious. When you really laugh you sound just like mama. Your belly laughs are awesome and make everyone around smile. And you laugh all the time!

You love your daddy. As soon as he comes in the house, you require his full attention. And if you don't get it you let us know!

String cheese and animal crackers are currently your favorite foods. You can eat your weight in either of them!

You love it when we read to you. Which makes me really happy because its about the only time you actually sit still for more than 5 minutes!

If I let you, you would spend all day, every day outside. You are so content out there!

You are terrified of the vacuum cleaner and bubbles.

Daddy's air compressor, nail gun, and anything else loud that Daddy does is hilarious. I don't understand how that can be fun but the vacuum is scary, silly silly boy!

You found out that when we are in the basement, you echo. As soon as we get down there, you start to talk and laugh.

You can go up the stairs, but not down.

If you really wanted to, you could walk. But please don't rush to do it. Mommy is fine with you just crawling!

You love bathtime and scream and cry and arch your back when we take you out.

You love to share you food right now, which is great, unless its pre-soaked....

When you are done eating, all the food left goes right on the floor.

I can't thank you enough for making me a mommy little man. I don't know what I would do without you and I can't wait to see where the next year takes us! Love you so much little man!

Fast Forward vs. Pause

Sometimes I am slow to come to terms with certain things. Some changes or really unexpected news...and apparently the passage of 1 years' time. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that tomorrow will be 1 year since my little man joined us. Today, a year ago, was my last day at the best job with the funnest people I have ever had. I still miss it and them. I was a nervous wreck most of the day, waddling around, almost needing help to get out of my chair to help customers. I'm sure it was a sight. In the moment, it was all kind of surreal. But I know they made an impact on my life, because otherwise I wouldn't miss them a year later.

Almost every day this week, I have gotten teary remembering something from when Si was still just a tiny baby. Last night, as I was about to lay my not cuddly almost one year old in his crib, he laid his head on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around my neck. I lost it. I was standing in front of his crib, the crib that used to look HUGE with my tiny baby taco swaddled in the middle of it, with an almost one year old little boy wrapped around my neck. How did that happen?! I am with him every single day. There has been literally 1 day in this whole year that I have not seen him, and yet I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that tomorrow, he will be 1. It is seriously unreal to me.

Last year at this time, I was looking everywhere for the fast forward button. I wanted to be done with being pregnant so that I could meet the little person I had been growing for 9+ months. I wanted labor and delivery to be over (although I can't say I was scared to go through it). I just wanted to meet the person I loved so much, even though I didn't know if it was a little lady or a little man. Now, I am frantically searching for the pause button.

I hope I find it before tomorrow. If I don't, I will most definitely need to find some tissues.

Stuck

We are starting a new bible study in our women's group on Wednesday nights. It's called Stuck. We went through the introduction last night and I cried most of the way home. This study is going to hurt. Here is a piece of the introduction that just keeps running through me head:

The plan was that He would die. The Son of God would die, paying for the sins of the world. And then in the greatest miracle in history, Christ would be resurrected to life forever, defeating death and giving us the most beautiful hope. Anyone who put their faith in Him would be forgiven. Their sin would be paid for and thrown as far as the east is from the west. It would be a final act making us forever right with our perfect God. And for those who have put their hope in Christ, that is our reality. However, sin has not left me. I believe in Christ and know that my sin has been forgiven, but I also stand here holding arms full of it. I know I have been made right for eternity. But what about today? What about my short time left on this planet?

The bolded part just keeps playing over and over in my head. I hate it when I let things get so bad with God that it hurts to fix it. Why do I let it go this far? Why am I so stubborn instead of just letting Him take control and lead me where He wants me to be? It's like He is pulling me towards Him and I am fighting with all my power to get away.

Lately I have been feeling really lonely. I feel like I am friendless. I know I have people around me who think I'm fun (and bring good food to the party :) but I need a real friend. Someone I can call or text when I'm having a bad day. Someone that can tell when I'm faking happiness. Someone who knows me almost better than I know myself. I know I have an amazing husband who cares more about me than I deserve, but I need a woman, who understands.

I hate feeling alone, it just makes me put up my guard and be scared. I am good at relationships. I really am a good friend. I am such a social person that it kills me not to have that one friend. I just keep wondering if something is wrong with me. Maybe I fake it so much I don't even know who I am anymore. Who am I? Am I happy with the choices I make everyday? Am I happy with where my relationship with God stands? Am I content with what I have? The answer to all of those questions is no. I feel stuck.

I am really hoping that I can let go and get out of this study what God wants me to. I hope that by the end I am not stuck anymore. But I know that along with those hopes comes fear and pain. This study is going to hurt...but I hope it helps.

The faces of Silas

This boy (who has stolen my heart) makes the most adorable faces! They just make me giggle and wonder what in the world he could be thinking! There is a sample for you!

Very skeptical about going on a walk in January!

Loves being naked (pretty much) & thinks he is big stuff standing up!

What?! It's Christmas?!

Sweet! I get to open the presents you keep taking me away from!

Just too funny for words!

And this one...its in a frame already...so much cuteness!

Blessed

Sometimes I complain about Silas and how whiney he can be and how I hate when he is fussy and how much work he can be sometimes. Every time I get really frustrated, something is brought to my attention that makes the thankful for the things I was just complaining about. Last week, a friend lost her baby at 29 weeks pregnant. Just thinking about their situation brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart beat fast. I simply can't imagine what they are going through right now. It makes me thankful for the fussy, teething baby who tests my patience because he wants to go, go, go all the time. It makes me thankful that I get to wake up at 2 am when he just wants to snuggle. It breaks my heart to imagine what her heart must be going through. Don't take anything for granted. Love every moment with your little ones, even the frustrating ones, because there are people who don't get to experience it and I'm sure they would give anything to take care of their baby, even when they are fussy.