Being a mom these last 17 weeks has been the most amazing time in my life. I can't think of a time I learned more, was so incredibly tired and functioning at the same time, and have been scared pretty much everyday. Being a mommy is terrifying. I have been run across two families in the last few weeks who have lost their babies unexpectedly. One baby girl at 3 months and one baby girl at 8 weeks. I can't imagine losing Silas. I check on him constantly when he naps now. These stories scare the crap out of me. How can you put a perfectly healthy baby down for a nap and they never wake up? How does a good God allow that kind of pain to happen. I can't imagine my life without Silas - much less how incredibly guilty I would feel if that happened to him "on my watch." Looking at that little man when he smiles at me is the greatest feeling. Nothing compares to the fullness I feel in my heart when he starts giggling at me - scrunching up his nose, eyes squinty, legs up, all out giggling. I don't want to ever go a day without hearing that giggle. He is my little man and the thought of losing him terrifies me every day. I don't want to/can't imagine going back to not being "Mommy." The thought of it really scares me.
Another thing that amazes me about being a mom is how much you can love your child immediately. There is no waiting period to see how you feel about this little person. I thought I loved him before he was born, but as soon as I heard that little cry in the delivery room, I was more in love than I have ever been in my life. Before I saw him, I knew I loved him. When they laid him in my arms, I thought my heart was going to explode. And I love the little man more every day. It is crazy to me that it works that way. He can't tell me he loves me with him voice yet, but I swear that in his adorable little smile, you can see it in his eyes. "I love you Mommy" is what I see in those smiles share at 4:00 in the morning when my little monster decides he is hungry. He is so precious and sweet and I just love him to pieces.
The thought of losing him keeps me from sleeping. I know that God is in control and it is all going to work out the way He has planned, but it just scares me. I have a high school classmate that has experienced to much loss in her life. She has lost 3 babies...I can't even imagine how bitter that could make a person. But she has come through it with so much faith - it literally amazing me when I read her blogs. Sadly, I don't think I would have that kind of reaction when placed in her position. I look up to her so much, and envy her kind of faith. If you would have asked me in high school what I envied about her, it would have been her friends and popularity, but today, none of that really matters. Her faith is amazing to me and I hope that someday I will have a faith like that. Another classmate I had in grade school has shown me what faith as a mother looks like. She has a baby soon after Silas was born, but she had a lot of problems. She is home now, but has all this equipment and trach changes and all sorts of things new moms shouldn't have to deal with. I am blown away by her caringbridge updates. She talks about the devotions she is doing, the prayers she prays for her precious baby girl. I can't imagine being in her position and having so much faith. It makes me feel like a horrible Christian. I have so much to be thankful for in my perfectly healthy baby boy, but I am almost too scared to be thankful for it - always wondering if something is going to go wrong.
I guess its part of being a mom - worrying about your child. I just need to remember to give my worry to God, because it's all in His control anyway. That is something I need to start working on...big time.
