I want to be a mother. I have wanted to become a mother for about a year and 4 months now. It's not happened yet. In December, I went on Clomid, a fertility drug. The doctor said she would be surprised if I wasn't pregnant in 3 months, but gave me a 6 month prescription, just in case. This is month 3. I made it to 33 days before I figured out I wasn't pregnant...again. I am crushed. I was so hopeful. I was trying so hard not to get excited because I knew if I got a negative pregnancy test, it would crush me. All the signs were there...nausea, fatigue, no period, tenderness everywhere, moodiness. But no baby. Not this month. Not for us.
I will cry today at some point, I am sure. But while I'm crying, I will just try to keep positive. There are worse things than not being pregnant. I have 3 more months of Clomid to try before going to plan C. God still loves me and so does my husband and family, even if I hate myself for not carrying a child.
But I am also hopeful. Someday, when God is ready to give me the best gift ever, I will have a child. I am just learning to be a patient person and rely on Him to give me strength when I don't have it. I am going to try to stay positive.
Today, I am going to let myself hurt. Tomorrow I will be hopeful.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
An Update
These last few months have been so busy! In December, Teri came to visit for a week and it was great to see her again! Christmas weekend was busy as always! New Years was brought in with friends in Menno. Fun times!
As the 2011 started, it has made me begin to think about what I want to accomplish in this year. I want a baby. I have wanted a baby for a year now. Last month I took Clomid for the first time. It is a fertility drug that is supposed to promote ovulation. The doctor doesn't think that I am ovulating because of being on birth control for a few years. The first dose didn't work. So, onto month two. I am keeping myself upbeat by reminding myself that the doctor said she would be surprised if I wasn't pregnant after three months of being on Clomid. Not one month, three months.
This want, a baby, is making me closer to God though. I am reading more devotions and Max Lucado books and my Bible. I want to be a good mom someday and sometimes I think that God just doesn't think I'm ready to be one yet. But are you ever REALLY ready to become a parent for the first time? I don't know...but someday soon I hope that have that great feeling of holding my baby for the first time and being scared out of my wits that I'm not ready! Until then, I will just get my baby fix on Leah, Ben and Julie's sweet little angel!
As the 2011 started, it has made me begin to think about what I want to accomplish in this year. I want a baby. I have wanted a baby for a year now. Last month I took Clomid for the first time. It is a fertility drug that is supposed to promote ovulation. The doctor doesn't think that I am ovulating because of being on birth control for a few years. The first dose didn't work. So, onto month two. I am keeping myself upbeat by reminding myself that the doctor said she would be surprised if I wasn't pregnant after three months of being on Clomid. Not one month, three months.
This want, a baby, is making me closer to God though. I am reading more devotions and Max Lucado books and my Bible. I want to be a good mom someday and sometimes I think that God just doesn't think I'm ready to be one yet. But are you ever REALLY ready to become a parent for the first time? I don't know...but someday soon I hope that have that great feeling of holding my baby for the first time and being scared out of my wits that I'm not ready! Until then, I will just get my baby fix on Leah, Ben and Julie's sweet little angel!
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