I want to be a mother. I have wanted to become a mother for about a year and 4 months now. It's not happened yet. In December, I went on Clomid, a fertility drug. The doctor said she would be surprised if I wasn't pregnant in 3 months, but gave me a 6 month prescription, just in case. This is month 3. I made it to 33 days before I figured out I wasn't pregnant...again. I am crushed. I was so hopeful. I was trying so hard not to get excited because I knew if I got a negative pregnancy test, it would crush me. All the signs were there...nausea, fatigue, no period, tenderness everywhere, moodiness. But no baby. Not this month. Not for us.
I will cry today at some point, I am sure. But while I'm crying, I will just try to keep positive. There are worse things than not being pregnant. I have 3 more months of Clomid to try before going to plan C. God still loves me and so does my husband and family, even if I hate myself for not carrying a child.
But I am also hopeful. Someday, when God is ready to give me the best gift ever, I will have a child. I am just learning to be a patient person and rely on Him to give me strength when I don't have it. I am going to try to stay positive.
Today, I am going to let myself hurt. Tomorrow I will be hopeful.
