Stuck

We are starting a new bible study in our women's group on Wednesday nights. It's called Stuck. We went through the introduction last night and I cried most of the way home. This study is going to hurt. Here is a piece of the introduction that just keeps running through me head:

The plan was that He would die. The Son of God would die, paying for the sins of the world. And then in the greatest miracle in history, Christ would be resurrected to life forever, defeating death and giving us the most beautiful hope. Anyone who put their faith in Him would be forgiven. Their sin would be paid for and thrown as far as the east is from the west. It would be a final act making us forever right with our perfect God. And for those who have put their hope in Christ, that is our reality. However, sin has not left me. I believe in Christ and know that my sin has been forgiven, but I also stand here holding arms full of it. I know I have been made right for eternity. But what about today? What about my short time left on this planet?

The bolded part just keeps playing over and over in my head. I hate it when I let things get so bad with God that it hurts to fix it. Why do I let it go this far? Why am I so stubborn instead of just letting Him take control and lead me where He wants me to be? It's like He is pulling me towards Him and I am fighting with all my power to get away.

Lately I have been feeling really lonely. I feel like I am friendless. I know I have people around me who think I'm fun (and bring good food to the party :) but I need a real friend. Someone I can call or text when I'm having a bad day. Someone that can tell when I'm faking happiness. Someone who knows me almost better than I know myself. I know I have an amazing husband who cares more about me than I deserve, but I need a woman, who understands.

I hate feeling alone, it just makes me put up my guard and be scared. I am good at relationships. I really am a good friend. I am such a social person that it kills me not to have that one friend. I just keep wondering if something is wrong with me. Maybe I fake it so much I don't even know who I am anymore. Who am I? Am I happy with the choices I make everyday? Am I happy with where my relationship with God stands? Am I content with what I have? The answer to all of those questions is no. I feel stuck.

I am really hoping that I can let go and get out of this study what God wants me to. I hope that by the end I am not stuck anymore. But I know that along with those hopes comes fear and pain. This study is going to hurt...but I hope it helps.