Being Mommy

Being a mom these last 17 weeks has been the most amazing time in my life. I can't think of a time I learned more, was so incredibly tired and functioning at the same time, and have been scared pretty much everyday. Being a mommy is terrifying. I have been run across two families in the last few weeks who have lost their babies unexpectedly. One baby girl at 3 months and one baby girl at 8 weeks. I can't imagine losing Silas. I check on him constantly when he naps now. These stories scare the crap out of me. How can you put a perfectly healthy baby down for a nap and they never wake up? How does a good God allow that kind of pain to happen. I can't imagine my life without Silas - much less how incredibly guilty I would feel if that happened to him "on my watch." Looking at that little man when he smiles at me is the greatest feeling. Nothing compares to the fullness I feel in my heart when he starts giggling at me - scrunching up his nose, eyes squinty, legs up, all out giggling. I don't want to ever go a day without hearing that giggle. He is my little man and the thought of losing him terrifies me every day. I don't want to/can't imagine going back to not being "Mommy." The thought of it really scares me.

Another thing that amazes me about being a mom is how much you can love your child immediately. There is no waiting period to see how you feel about this little person. I thought I loved him before he was born, but as soon as I heard that little cry in the delivery room, I was more in love than I have ever been in my life. Before I saw him, I knew I loved him. When they laid him in my arms, I thought my heart was going to explode. And I love the little man more every day. It is crazy to me that it works that way. He can't tell me he loves me with him voice yet, but I swear that in his adorable little smile, you can see it in his eyes. "I love you Mommy" is what I see in those smiles share at 4:00 in the morning when my little monster decides he is hungry. He is so precious and sweet and I just love him to pieces.

The thought of losing him keeps me from sleeping. I know that God is in control and it is all going to work out the way He has planned, but it just scares me. I have a high school classmate that has experienced to much loss in her life. She has lost 3 babies...I can't even imagine how bitter that could make a person. But she has come through it with so much faith - it literally amazing me when I read her blogs. Sadly, I don't think I would have that kind of reaction when placed in her position. I look up to her so much, and envy her kind of faith. If you would have asked me in high school what I envied about her, it would have been her friends and popularity, but today, none of that really matters. Her faith is amazing to me and I hope that someday I will have a faith like that. Another classmate I had in grade school has shown me what faith as a mother looks like. She has a baby soon after Silas was born, but she had a lot of problems. She is home now, but has all this equipment and trach changes and all sorts of things new moms shouldn't have to deal with. I am blown away by her caringbridge updates. She talks about the devotions she is doing, the prayers she prays for her precious baby girl. I can't imagine being in her position and having so much faith. It makes me feel like a horrible Christian. I have so much to be thankful for in my perfectly healthy baby boy, but I am almost too scared to be thankful for it - always wondering if something is going to go wrong.

I guess its part of being a mom - worrying about your child. I just need to remember to give my worry to God, because it's all in His control anyway. That is something I need to start working on...big time.

Long Over-Due Update

To say that life has changed would be an understatement! So much has happened since I last posted!

Silas Ruben joined us on May 11, 2012 after an interesting delivery. I ended up with preeclampsia and was put on magnesium, which I am sure comes directly from the devil. That stuff is not a fun time! He came in weighing 7 lbs, 13 oz and 21.5 inches long! I asked the nurse if she was sure he was mine because I didn't expect him to be that big!

Think his daddy is proud of him? Notice I cut myself out of the picture...preeclampsia makes you swell more than you ever thought you could - that combined with 3 hours of pushing doesn't make for great photos!

Adorable little man!

Such a tiny little taco baby :)

This is at about 3 months old - such a happy little man!

This is my husband's favorite picture so far. It was his first time trying cereal - I don't think he knew quite what to think about it!

I will never get sick of seeing this adorable smile!

Pure naughty - what could he be plotting at such a young age?!

My happy little man!

Love him!

I love my new life. I love staying home and watching my son grow and learn new things. As much as I loved my job and couldn't imagine what life would be like without it, I can't say I would change my decision. I love hearing his coos and laughs all day. He is such a happy, talkative baby. I love the feeling I get when I catch him watching me walk across the room with a big grin on his face. I love the "conversations" we have all day long! He is such a little talker (wonder where he gets that from?) I can't remember what life was like without him! Every day he does something new and exciting! Today he is 4 months old and I love him more every second!

I have some AMAZING news! This little cutie is due May 5! I am 23 weeks and 3 days pregnant and feeling great! God answers prayers (and maybe tries to teach this anxious mama some patience at the same time!) We couldn't be more excited to meet this little one!

Hurt, Confused, Hopeful

I want to be a mother. I have wanted to become a mother for about a year and 4 months now. It's not happened yet. In December, I went on Clomid, a fertility drug. The doctor said she would be surprised if I wasn't pregnant in 3 months, but gave me a 6 month prescription, just in case. This is month 3. I made it to 33 days before I figured out I wasn't pregnant...again. I am crushed. I was so hopeful. I was trying so hard not to get excited because I knew if I got a negative pregnancy test, it would crush me. All the signs were there...nausea, fatigue, no period, tenderness everywhere, moodiness. But no baby. Not this month. Not for us.

I will cry today at some point, I am sure. But while I'm crying, I will just try to keep positive. There are worse things than not being pregnant. I have 3 more months of Clomid to try before going to plan C. God still loves me and so does my husband and family, even if I hate myself for not carrying a child.

But I am also hopeful. Someday, when God is ready to give me the best gift ever, I will have a child. I am just learning to be a patient person and rely on Him to give me strength when I don't have it. I am going to try to stay positive.

Today, I am going to let myself hurt. Tomorrow I will be hopeful.

An Update

These last few months have been so busy! In December, Teri came to visit for a week and it was great to see her again! Christmas weekend was busy as always! New Years was brought in with friends in Menno. Fun times!
As the 2011 started, it has made me begin to think about what I want to accomplish in this year. I want a baby. I have wanted a baby for a year now. Last month I took Clomid for the first time. It is a fertility drug that is supposed to promote ovulation. The doctor doesn't think that I am ovulating because of being on birth control for a few years. The first dose didn't work. So, onto month two. I am keeping myself upbeat by reminding myself that the doctor said she would be surprised if I wasn't pregnant after three months of being on Clomid. Not one month, three months.
This want, a baby, is making me closer to God though. I am reading more devotions and Max Lucado books and my Bible. I want to be a good mom someday and sometimes I think that God just doesn't think I'm ready to be one yet. But are you ever REALLY ready to become a parent for the first time? I don't know...but someday soon I hope that have that great feeling of holding my baby for the first time and being scared out of my wits that I'm not ready! Until then, I will just get my baby fix on Leah, Ben and Julie's sweet little angel!

Just An Update

Well, it's been awhile again. I was going to blog the very next week after my last one, but the hurt was too bad. I couldn't believe that all the loss wasn't over for the month of July. July 10 we had to put down Sammy, our 9 year old yellow lab. She was my baby, my friend when no one else was, the one who was always excited to see me no matter what mood I was in. We are pretty sure she had some sort of a stroke and dad decided it would be best for her not to live in a hazy cloud that the drugs we were trying to give her made her be in for the rest of her life. I still miss her. She is always in my heart and I think of her all the time. Allen doesn't seem to understand, but I think that's because he grew up on a farm, where if something got sick, you just shot it. He never had an indoor pet who was always by your side. Before we had to put Sam down, I was begging for a dog. I even told him I didn't care what it was, we could even rescue one from the Humane Society, just as long as I could get a dog. But after going through that with Sam, I have changed my mind. I don't want to love something like that and have to let it go again. July was a month of too much sadness and death. I don't want to go to another funeral or have to say good bye to someone I love for a long time.

On to August...a seriously hot month.

We didn't really go to either of our parent's houses too much. Maybe just to Menno once. One weekend, I went with Allen's brother Daniel to a Lifehouse and Spill Canvas concert. I was getting seriously pouty because Lifehouse wasn't playing the song that I came to the concert to hear, and finally...during the encore they played it! The very last song! Great ending to a very fun night! Then, last week we went to the Parker fair. I watched a man, while trying to convince his son that the camel there wasn't scary, get bit by the baby camel in an inconvenient body part...hilarious!

This weekend, we had our camping trip to Yankton with our group of friends. It was so fun! Kyle & Amanda, Ryan & Cassie, Ben, Julie & Leah all came and tented! We had a blast! It was crazy humid Saturday, so Julie, Leah and I escaped to some air conditioning for awhile while everyone else went tubing-which was fine with me because the sun doesn't do kind things to me and I don't tube after a terrible, scary, horrifying tubing experience (it probably wasn't that bad, but it made me think twice before I get on one!) Sunday morning I had to head back early because I had to work at a bridal show. It was good, met lots of brides! Afterwards we went out to Nutty's South for a few drinks and then headed to the races at Huset's. It was a great night!

Last night, Julie and I went on a girl date. Out for supper at Quizno's and then to the movie Eat Pray Love. It was really good and thought provoking. Different from any movie I remember seeing. I found in interesting that the point of the movie was to find balance and simplify your life, getting rid of what you don't need, but we paid to see it and be entertained...weird.

Tonight, I made apple cake and pie from Rano & Cindy's apples that they sent home with Daniel! Can't wait til they get out of the oven, they smell great!

Have a great night and rest of the week!

Trying Times

These past three weeks have been full of emotions...happiness, relaxation, enjoying family time, sadness, hurt, joyful, and a longing for things to stop the way they are going.

June 11-18

We spent in Canada with family and friends. It was a great week of relaxing, catching giant fish, laughing, being creative enough to create dessert from 5 ingredients we happen to have in the cabin, killing lots of bugs, watching an otter rob us of our minnows, and two 17 hour car rides. It was a complete blast!Here are some of our boats all lined up waiting to go out the next morning. The one closest and the next one are ours. But you can't see Grandpa's cuz its way down the line!
This is my 22 inch walleye that I let Allen hold for me! Love catching the big ones!

June 20

We got to Canada on Friday and on Saturday morning, I had an email from my uncle that Grandma Van De Brake (the mom of my Grandma that was with us) was not doing very well and that they should think about coming home. They decided to stay until they got news that she was gone. We got home Friday night of the next week and she passed on Sunday.
We left my parents house on Saturday, after saying a difficult good bye to my sister, who will be spending the next 4 years in Texas as a nurse with the Air Force. Then, we headed back to Iowa on Tuesday for family visitation and the funeral on Wednesday, where Allen and I were both pall bearers. It was a joyous occasion because she had been in the nursing home for a long time and she has Alzheimer's, so she really wasn't Grandma anymore, but it was still hard because it was a final good bye, combined with the good bye for Teri.

July 1

On Wednesday, June 30, my mom called to let me know that my last great grandma, Grandma Dottie, was not doing well. This 96 year old lady, who had been in the nursing home for 13 years, was very special to me. Unlike Grandma Van De Brake, Grandma Dottie still knew who I was once I told her (she was blind), and she prayed for us by name every single night. I spent much of my time in grade school at her house after school and throughout the summer. She was the Grandma who taught me to memorize Psalm 23, she taught me to pray on my knees by the bed every night, she always had cookies and let us drink coffee that had more milk and sugar in it than actual coffee. She was the best.

She passed away on Thursday. This day sucked.

Friday night was family visitation. I was prepared. I am not a crier. I just don't do it. I didn't cry, but then I didn't really go up and look at her either. We spent the rest of the night with my family in Sheldon at the fireworks. It was nice to relax and hang out with them! The show was pretty good, but the best part of the night was dad getting whistled at by the cop...hilarious!

Saturday morning came and went, the prayer service started at 1 and I had a bad feeling...you know that one you get deep down in your stomach and it makes you want to run the other way so that you don't have to face what is in front of you...
I lost it...I realized that I loved this Grandma so much, I didn't want her to be gone. She prayed for us every night, like the Pastor Carl said, we lost a prayer warrior. She was the best. I hate realizing things like that. I usually just tune out so that I don't have to face what I don't want to. But there she was, it's hard to tune it out when its right in front of you. We headed to the cemetery and laid the best great grandma in the world to rest with her husband who has been gone since the 50's. It was no fun. I wish that hearing people say "She's where she wanted to be for 13 years" and "She's in a better place" would have brought me comfort that day, but it didn't. I know and understand that those are both true, but on Saturday, it's not what I wanted to hear. I love her and miss her and I know that she is still praying for us everyday, only now its face to face with Jesus!

So all in all, these last three weeks have been horrible and wonderful all at the same time. I am so blessed with friends and family who have comforted and hugged me and told me that they love me. I love my husband all the more for his soft heart and comforting words during these past three weeks. He is so wonderful to me, and he knows just what I need to hear. And I thank Jesus for walking the shadow of death with me and bringing me out into the light.